Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
