Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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