You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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