I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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