i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
