New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
