party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
