I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
