What a fucking waste of an outfit
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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