so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
