I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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