he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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