Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
