Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
