you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize