drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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