I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you're hired as official boob wrangler
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
