You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
