wanna go halves on a baby?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
