he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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