New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
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