i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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