remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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