haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
