I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
