Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
babies were throwing up all over the place
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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