My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I am naked and annoyed.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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