she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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