how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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