Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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