Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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