This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
