don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
