we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
honey bunches of taint.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
