Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
