Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
