From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Watching her eat just hurts me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
