I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize