Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
