I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
