There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
