i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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