Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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