So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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