How'd it feel making her break her religion?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize