I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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