I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
