So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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