What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize