Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh god it's open bar.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
