I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
