i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
