What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You're like the curious george of whores
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
