im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
