My cat gives me a boner
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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