Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
