Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
